Karma's a Bitch

Various friends and relatives have made it abundantly clear that they regard my new housekeeper indulgence with a mixture of jealousy and outright contempt. I’ve gotten used to the shunned phone calls, the unreturned emails, and the shouts of “I hate you” on the other end of the receiver. But today the cosmic pay-back for my loose lips (and fingers) occurred in earnest.

The morning started as usual – coffee and breakfast outside in the courtyard, a glance at the morning paper and a doze in the shade. Later I let the kids enjoy a romp in the (mostly) enclosed courtyard while I slipped inside for a quick peek at the internet. Five minutes later I discovered Piper sitting just two feet outside the courtyard near the breach in the fence that runs along the top of the wall. Then on my way through the house to reach her new perch I heard Mini, her nemesis, attack. It was an awful sounding flurry of cat hisses, growls and screeches accompanied by flying fur. It was so loud my neighbor came outside to inquire. She chased off mean, grey Mini and I went to collect Piper. However, Piper, traumatized by this attack on her coddled and comfortable in-door-only existence, was traumatized, and she regarded me as another attacker. While hoisting her out of danger and back into the safety of our yard, she gnawed my finger to the bone. But she was safe, and that was all that mattered.

Until I saw the copious streams of bright red blood flowing down my hand and onto the path at my feet. My vision got blurry, I started seeing black and I just barely made it over to my neighbor’s house before fainting. My stoic (and extremely medically handy) neighbor picked me up off of the sidewalk, cleaned, soothed and bandaged my wounds and got me back to the house where Piper was sitting serenely on the bed as if nothing had ever happened.

Now I sit here one tetanus shot and antibiotic’s course later typing this with one hand while my other hand rests elevated and swollen behind a mass of white gauze.

I had no idea that hiring a housekeeper could be so dangerous. I will try to be more careful about any future indulgences. (Or at least more secretive.)