Thursday, May 18, 2006

A Black Fly in My Chardonnay

I wish I were joking. After two sips, it landed, wings waterlogged, helpless, drowning in my delicious indulgence. So I was forced to switch to a different mood enhancer. By then the coffee was ready. I enjoyed a slow cup, a bowl of cereal, and a couple stories in the morning paper.

The day before my soon-to-be mother in law had none-too-delicately reminded me that whatever parasite Sunny has is probably communicable to Annie and Piper. THEY COULD ALL DIE, she told me. Oh God. So far, Annie’s eaten at least one of the kitten’s poops, Sunny’s used Piper’s litter box, they’ve all played and licked each other. Did I mention that Sunny got behind John’s beloved entertainment system (most people would consider a 52inch TV large, John considers that merely computer-monitor-size, just to help you put this ‘system’ of his in perspective) and pooped on all of his cables? I discovered that when I noticed Annie and Piper uncharacteristically routing around back there. Anyway, chance for infection was high and I had to take immediate, drastic action!

Fortified, I grabbed Annie and we made for the local pet store, making a brief detour to a new grocery store where I stocked up with 18 jars of baby food, which at our current rate was enough for three days.

At the pet store I decided I’d had enough shit-cleaning and refused to tackle the disgusting task of decontaminating Piper’s litter box. She’d simply get a new one. (Yes I know I am contributing to our city’s overflowing landfill!) I picked out a Buddha Dome for Piper and a more straightforward fully enclosed container for Sunny. (He wasted no time in spreading his poop on the inside walls as soon as I put it in his room.) I grabbed a play toy for Sunny, paw wipes and some pig ears for Annie, crammed all of this into the passenger side of my two-seater, put Annie on my lap and headed home.

Back at home my Gift-From-God (aka Olga, the housekeeper) was cleaning our shower. No matter, I didn’t have time anyway. I dished out the new litter boxes, toys and treats, washed my face, brushed my teeth, pulled on a tank top, a pair of hiking pants, my flip flops, and most importantly a hat. (I couldn’t remember the last time I’d shampooed. God, if having a human baby is anywhere near as tiring as having a kitten baby, you can count me out!) I spread on copious amounts of deodorant, some perfume, and drove to class.

On Mondays and Wednesdays I must deal with my inherited hooligans. I’m happy to report that I have scared them into submission! They actually complemented me on my camouflage costume and cheerily soaked up three hours of algebra and geometry.

Once class was over, I still had to prepare my lecture notes for the evening’s calculus class and meet with students during office hours. Is it a bad sign that, as an education professional, I sometimes pray that no students show up? My prayer rarely seems to work, but it did this day. I must have made the homework too easy.

As soon as I finished my lesson, I rushed home, petted each of the three kids and was about to drive back to school when I saw John’s taxi arrive. I can’t tell you how glad I am that he’s home.

I’ll skip the rest and just say that calculus flew by, John’s smitten with the new kitten, and I’m in heaven now that John’s home.

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