Saturday, July 22, 2006

For Your Understanding

I will never have children.

I have suffered three periods of major depression, each time more severe than the last. My most recent experience changed me in a fundamental way. I no longer expect happiness to outweigh misery. I no longer see life without knowing that the heaviness of depression awaits me. I fully expect it to return, and one day to take me with it. I am born of this earth and I will struggle to survive, but I would never wish ‘life’ upon another.


KK said...

People keep asking me this question: "Will you ever have children?"

This is the answer that I doubt they really want to hear.

Anonymous said...

Most depression can be addressed very well through medications with very little side effects. I know. I have been on anti-depresseants for Major Depression for years. There is no need to suffer as you are. Go to a specialist in the field, a psychiatrist, and tell her about your depression. Only a psychiatrist truly knows which medication is best for you. I still get depressed but it isn't anywhere near as deep as it was before the medication. And my depression lasts a fraction of the time it used to before meds. Since the meds, I haven't felt suicidal. Before the meds, suicide was a daily thought. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor. Help yourself by going to a psychiatrist. If you already have, then go to another one. Keep going until you find relief because relief IS out there. I too didn't have children because of my depression. I wish I would have gotten help years before I did. I would have been a great mom.

KK said...

Thank you dear reader for kind thoughts and words. I am extremely fortunate to have my depression under control - managed by the wonders of science and a fantastic psychiatrist. My days are happy and productive once again.

This post is not a cry for help; rather an attempt to share how my view of life has changed irrevocably because of my experiences with depression.

Some very positive things have come from my depression as well. One is a greater empathy toward people. Another is a rearrangement of my priorities. They are mpw my family and friends (including my three furry angels), helping others and working a job that lets me combine service with an intellectual passion. My last depression taught me that life is too short endure a painful job for the sake of a presitigious title and a glamorous salary. So I have used what I've learned from my depression to improve my life. But I certainly can't say that I've returned to my 'same old self'.

Anonymous said...

Good for you - as far as not returning to your "old self" - I like who I am much more since I have come through all my depressive bouts and found meds (and, yes, my share of therapy too). Hopefully these comments will help someone who needs help but couldn't or wouldn't seek help. People are always surprised when I share that I have had depression all my life. "You?!?" "Yep, me."

Annabelle said...

For me it was a job I couldn't quit ("I go to work because if I don't, I go to jail...) the constant threat of being pulled from my family (the dessert), the idiocy of that work (recalls at 3am to go into work because... well, just because my boss wanted us there) and the utter isolation of living on the other side of the world away from friends and family, in a completely different culture, with only about 6 hours of the week when it was a decent hour at both places to call.
Granted, my depression was relatively mild, controlled with meds and therapy for a while, but mostly with running (more stress=more miles), but it does open your eyes, and make you rearrange your priorities.
My family became mine, and I realized that if I couldn't quit my job (and lord knows I tried) or even cut back my hours, then they couldn't fire me. I used what I learned to teach my daughter ( and eventually my son) how to take care of themselves and each other. And this september..... I finally get to quit my current job.
But having children is not easy, and is a decision that 1-should be taken sreiously and 2-shouldn't have an inevitably yes answer. Mine have grounded me, I don't know what I would have done without them, all the more so because I almost lost my last.
Anyway, I'm in Colorado... again. Both kids in bed with me - sound asleep.
Wish I could have made your wedding, but it's right at the end of hubby's annual tour, when I'll be a working single mom with inlaws living with me to help with childcare. If there are any hurricanes during the big event, said hubby will be flying through them. But I'll be thinking of you.

KK said...

Dear Annabelle,

Thank you so much for your comment - it has helped me in many ways.

I will email you.